Sixth Batch of Kerry Jokes

Train Ride

An Irishman, an Englishman and a beautiful girl with a Kerry on her lap are riding together in a train, with the beautiful girl in the middle.The train goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark. Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!

The train comes out of the tunnel. The woman and the Irishman are sitting there looking perplexed. The Englishman is bent over holding his face which is red from an apparent slap.

The Englishman is thinking "Damn it, that Mick must have tried to kiss the girl, she thought it was me and slapped me."

The girl is thinking, "That Englishman must have moved to kiss me, and kissed the Irishman instead and got slapped."

The Irishman is thinking, "If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and slap that Englishman again!!

Three Kerryman Jokes

A Kerryman rang Aer Lingus and asked how long it took to fly from Dublin to London.
"Just a minute sir," said the girl on the desk.
"Thank you," said the Kerryman and hung up.

A Kerryman went to London and found himself in the Underground late one night. Seeing a notice "DOGS MUST BE CARRIED ON THE ESCALATOR", he moaned to himself, "And where am I going to find a dog at this hour of the night?"

A Kerryman rushed into a barber's shop with a Kerry Blue Terrier under his arm.
"Where did you get that?" asked the barber.
"I won him in a raffle," said the dog.

A Swallowed Coin

A small boy was playing on the street in Killarney when he accidentally swallowed a coin which then became stuck in his throat.

With the boy choking, his mother ran along the street screaming for help.

Luckily, a passer-by intervened and hit the boy hard on the back so he coughed up the coin. "Oh thank you so much, doctor," said the mother.

"I'm not a doctor," said the passer-by, "I work for the Internal Revenue Service."

Ugly Man

A very ugly man walks into a bar in Killarney and says to the bartender, “I‘ll bet you 100 pounds that I can get the next woman to walk into this bar to kiss me.” Seeing how hideously ugly the man was, the bartender took the bet.

A few minutes later a very attractive woman walks in with her Kerry and sits at a table near the bar. The ugly man walks over and sits down next to her. A few minutes later the woman leans over and kisses the ugly man on the lips.

The ugly man returns to the bartender and collects on the bet. “How did you get her to kiss you?” asked the bartender. “Simple,” replied the ugly man. “I told her that I bet the bartender 100 pounds that I could get you to kiss me. If you kiss me, I’ll split the 100 pounds with you. You see I may be ugly, but I’m not stupid.”

Secret Code

A secret agent was sent to County Kerry, having been told that he was to contact a spy called Tadgm McGillicudy.
The code he was to use was: "The brown bull is in the green field."

On a country boreen the agent met a farmer and told him he was looking for a Tadgin McGillicudy.

"Well now, fella, that's not sufficient information," said the farmer, "for in this parish alone there's a quare few Tadgin McGillicudys. There's a Tadgin Mar, for one. Then there's Tadgin Glic, Tadgin the Weasel, Tadgin the Plover and Tadgin with the loose gallases."

The secret agent felt that he had to use the code and he furtively mumbled: "The brown bull is in the green field."

"Ah for pity's sake," said the farmer, "it's Tadgin the Spy you're looking for."

Poor Couple

A poor Irish man and woman sat down in their living room and the man said, ''I'm going down to the pub for a bit, so put your coat on and put the Kerry in his crate.''

The woman replied, ''Oh, sweetie, why? Are you taking me with you?''

The man replied, ''No, I'm turning the heat off.''

Skin Transplant

A newly married couple in County Kerry was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. Luckily, the Kerry Blue escaped the fire.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Meeting the In-laws

A young American called O'Brien had met the lovely Colette at the university in Dublin and romance blossomed and then fully bloomed.

Twas not long before O'Brien was invited back to County Kerry to meet Colette's family - the Cassidys, farmers of long standing. As always, the family gathered in the front room, or parlour, and father-in-law-to-be, Mick Cassidy, began to hold court on the day's work at the farm.

While tea and cakes and sandwiches were brought in, Mick said to O'Brien: I've shovelled fourteen and a half tons of manure this afternoon - have another sandwich!'

With that the American came over to Mick, and muttered 'No thanks.'

'This morning I shovelled over fifteen tons of manure, have a custard cream.'

'No thanks,' was the weak reply.

A short time later Cassidy senior left the room and the young suitor said: 'Your father's a lovely man, but he keeps talking about manure all the time. It's putting me off my grub. Can't you get him to say fertiliser?'

Listen,' said Colette, 'it's taken us years to get him to say manure!'

Ireland Declares War on the French

Submitted by Barbara Wright

Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Kerry, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the
entire Kerry Blue Terrier club. That makes ten!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring ya back. Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Marphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke"

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to ya." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well."

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring ya back" Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform ya that we have had to call off the war."

Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and finally decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 French prisoners.

Flying Blind

Submitted by Barabara Kam

Two Blind pilots both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the
water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At
that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their
magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Training Technique

Submitted by Aaron Esh

Joe dog trainer brought home a new Kerry and as soon as he put the dog down on the floor, the dog walked over to the couch, lifted one leg and peed on the couch. So, hoping the dog would catch on, he took him outside and as the dog watched he stood up to a tree and peed on it. Now this was a smart Kerry so the next time the dog had to go he walked over to the sofa, stood up on his two hind legs and peed all over the couch.

I'm soooo sorry

Dear Kerry,

I'm so sorry that you were sent to the pound for the broken lamp that you did not break, for the missing fish that you did not eat, and for the wet carpet that you did not wet.

Things at the house are a lot calmer now. To show you that I have no hard felings I am sending you this picture so that you'll always remember me.

Your friend,

The Cat

"Some Deep Hole"

Bill and Harry were out hunting one day when they came across this big hole in the ground. Looking into the hole, Bill said, "It sure looks deep." He threw a couple of rocks into the hole and Bill and Harry waited for the rocks to hit the bottom of the hole, counting the seconds...Nothing... So Harry threw some rocks about the size of a football. Bill and Harry waited for the bigger rocks to hit the bottom of the hole. Nothing...

Loosing interest, the two boys started to walk away, but then Bill finds this big railroad tie and gets the big idea to throw the railroad tie down the hole. When it hits the bottom, it should definately make a lot of noise. Bill just has to know how deep a hole this is, so he yells out, "Come on, Harry. Help me carry this railroad tie over and throw it down the hole." So they both carry this railroad tie over and throw it down that big hole. Again, they waited for what seemed like forever and nothing happened.

Bill said, "That is SOME DEEP HOLE!" Losing interest, they walked away.

They had not gone very far when they heard this dog barking and looked up to see this dog running like crazy through the grass. It was a big dog running like crazy. The dog suddenly leapt through the air and went right down that big ol' hole as Bill and Harry looked at each other in amazement.

Then they looked up, and here comes Norm, a buddy of theirs. "Seen my dog?" asked Norm. "I'm looking for my dog. Have you seen him?"
Both tell Norm that the most unbelievable thing just happened. They said that they had seen his dog running like crazy, fast as the wind, and that it had jumped into the air and went right down that big old hole over there.

Norm said, "No, that can't be the dog I'm looking for. My dog is an old dog and can't run that fast, and besides it was tied to a railroad tie."

Dedicated to our Troops

Submitted by 1LT Andrew "AJAX" Arola, Infantry USA

A First Sergeant retires from the military and decides to open a hunting preserve. One of his former Lieutenants was one of his first clients. The First Sergeant took the Lieutenant and his best Kerry Blue Terrier "Sarge" to the field. Everybody was amazed with the hunting performance off this exceptional Kerry Blue. Sarge was steady to flush and shot, quick to retrieve, soft of mouth, and, most amazing of all, he would sort each bird by species and sex. Whether it was pheasant, chukar, quail, woodcock or dove they would each have a special position in the formation. The Lieutenant was amazed by the spectacle put forth by Sarge and at the end of the hunt said to the First Sergeant, "I think you need to promote this Kerry to Staff Sergeant at least!" The First Sergeant said his name was fine and refused to promote the dog.

A year later, the Lieutenant decided to call up the First Sergeant to book another hunt while he was on leave. The First Sergeant said he was open to the hunt date but could not put him behind Sarge. The Lieutenant agreed to the hunt despite being disappointed about not being able to book Sarge. The dog he did draw performed reasonably but nothing compared to Sarge. The First Sergeant was very hesitant to talk about Sarge all day. Finally, the Lieutenant just came out and asked what wrong with Sarge.

The First Sergeant reluctantly replied, "After you hunted here last year, Sarge and I had to hunt with a two star General. Sarge preformed wonderful, the best he had ever! At the end of the hunt, the General ordered me to promote him. I felt obligated to, so I promoted him to Sergeant Major."

"Rightfully so, First Sergeant! He sure did deserve it!" the Lieutenant said.
The First Sergeant replied, "You are right; he did deserve it, but the day I started calling him Sergeant Major he wouldn't work for me at all! All he did was sit on his butt and bark all day long!!!"

Hunting Kerry

This fellow was hunting with his Kerry out in the border area of Texas, Louisiana and Arkansas.

He bagged a duck, and after his Kerry brought it in, he was acosted by a game warden. The warden said to the hunter, "Lemme see that duck, son." The hunter handed it over.The warden stuck his finger up the duck's butt, sniffed it and said, "That's a Arkansas duck, son... you got an Arkansas license?" The hunter dutifully produced the proper license, and the warden handed back the duck and replied, "OK, but you be careful out there."

A while later the hunter bags another duck. After the dog brings it back, the hunter was approached by the same warden. The warden again said, "Lemme see that duck, son." The hunter handed it over. The warden stuck his finger up the duck's butt, sniffed it and said, "That's a Texas duck, son... you got a Texas license?" The hunter again produced the proper license, and the warden handed back the duck and replied, "OK, but you be careful out there."

A while later the hunter bags a third duck. After the dog brings it back, the hunter was approached again by the same warden. The warden again said, "Lemme see that duck, son."The hunter handed it over. The warden stuck his finger up the duck's butt, sniffed it and said, "That's a Louisiana duck, son... you got a Louisiana license?" The hunter pulled out his Louisiana license. The warden handed back the duck and replied. "Dag nab it, son, you got about every license there is. Whereabouts are you from anyway?"
Whereupon the hunter dropped his pants, turned around, bent over, and said, "You're the expert, You tell me."

Southern Obituary

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of the country goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died.'" Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says... "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - Kerry Blue for sale.'"

Florida Burglary...

Submitted by Janice Gessner and edited by John Van den Bergh

Just when you think there's no justice...
A news article from a Florida Newspaper:

When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was a “generic white cardboard box filled with grayish-white powder”. (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, “that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.”

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: “Please return the cremated remains of my [Kerry Blue, Maggy.] She died three years ago.”

Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; and about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: “Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your [Kerry Blue.] No hard feelings. Have a nice day.”

The Purina Diet

Submitted by Richard Weigle

I have a Kerry Blue and I was buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow at Wal-Mart. I was in line to check out when, seeing the bag of food, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse, I told her that no, I was
starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time I did it.

But I said that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and I.V.s in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital because I'd been poisoned. I told her no; I was chasing a cat across the street when a car hit me.

Depressed Kerry

Submitted by Michael Cunnington
 
Fred got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door.

She opened it and to his amazement and joy, she was as lovely and sweet as his friend Michael had promised.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said, "why don't you play with my Kerry Blue, Flopsy, while you're waiting? She does wonderful tricks. She'll roll over, shake hands, sit up and if you make a hoop with your arms, like this, she'll jump through."

The dog followed Fred out onto the balcony and started rolling over.

Fred made a hoop with his arms and sure enough, Flopsy jumped right through.... and over the balcony railing!

Just then Fred's date walked out, asking "Isn't little Flopsy the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"Well, to tell the truth," Fred replied, "she seemed a little depressed...."

Pet Fish

Submitted by Georgia Will

One day, a man and his Kerry, went fishing.  

They were approached by the game warden, who noticed two large coolers filled with fish in their boat.  
The game warden asked "Do you have a licence to catch those fish?  I am afraid I will have to take them and issue you a citation, if you do not have a licence."

The man replied "No sir. I do not have a fishing licence, these are our pet fish."

"Pet fish?" queried the warden.

"Why yes, our pet fish.  Every night we bring them down to the water and let them swim around.  As soon as we think the fish have had enough exercise, Sean here gives a good bark, and they jump back into the coolers and we go home."

"Sir, fish can't do that!" the warden explained.

"Well, these can." said the man.  "Here, let me show you."  With that, the man carefully poured both coolers of fish into the water, sat back in his boat and quietly waited.

After several minutes, the warden turned to the man and said "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man.

At the end of his patience, the warden said "Well, how long are you going to let them swim around?!?"

The man asked "Let who swim around?"

"The fish!" said the warden.

The man winks at his Kerry and says "What fish?"

The Patient

Submitted by Chelo Lewter
 
Two patients limp into two different American clinics with the same medical complaint.  Both have trouble walking and are in pain.
 
The first patient is examined within the hour, x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the next week.
 
The second patient sees the family doctor after waiting one week for an appointment, then waits another few weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray and then his surgery is scheduled for 6 months from initial
exam.
 
Why the difference in the two patients?
 
The first is a Kerry Blue Terrier.
 
The second is a senior citizen.

Religious Kerry

Submitted by Barbara Kam

A Baptist preacher and his family decided they wanted a dog. They were very involved in the church and had people over all the time so they decided this would have to be a special dog. He’d have to be a Baptist. After checking many pet stores they decided to check the local animal shelter. The man whom worked at the shelter assured the Baptist family that he had exactly what they were looking for and he’d bring the dog right out.

Several minutes later the man walked through another door carrying a mid-sized dog, which looked like a mutt. The man asked the preacher for his bible. He put it in front of the dog and said, “John 3:16!” The dog put his paw on the Bible and flipped pages until he found John 3:16. “Amazing,” said the Baptist preacher. The man then told the dog, “Find Romans 8!” The dog flipped through the Bible and found Romans 8. Again, he told the dog, “Psalm 23!” Again the dog found the Scriptures in the Bible. “We'll take him” said the Baptist family.

When the family arrived home they were so excited they immediately invited some neighbors over to see their special dog. One of the neighbors, after seeing all the Bible tricks, said, “Well that’s great but does he know any regular dog tricks?” The preacher said, “Hmm. I don’t know.” Then he looked at the dog and said, “Heel!” The dog jumped up on the couch and put his paw on the preacher’s forehead and started howling. “Good Lord! He’s a Pentecostal!”

Doggy Heaven

Sleeping Pills

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

Driving Though Texas

submitted by Barbara Kam

A West Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. government" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows........

Now give me back my Kerry."

Minimum Wage

submitted by Barb Thompson

A man owned a hobby kennel in Texas. The Texas Wage & Hour Dept claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the
agent.

"Well, there's my handler, who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The kennel help has been here for 18 months and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.Then there's the half-wit who works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 per week and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night." replied
the breeder.

"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me" replied the breeder.

Dear Dog Owner,

Submitted Barbara Kam

Are you experiencing too many reserves and 2nd places to inferior animals in the dog show ring?

In the agility and/or obedience ring, does your dog forget his own name?

Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost money.

Simply send a copy to six other dog owners who are dissatisfied with the way their dogs are working and showing.

Also bundle up your dog and send him/her to the dog owner at the top of this list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you.

In one week, you will receive 16,436 dogs, and at least one of them should be a keeper.

Have faith in this letter. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got his own dog back.

Irish Immigrants

Submitted by Barbara Kam

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Puppy Brag

Submitted by Barbara Kam

The burley ring steward gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and offers a round of drinks for after the show to everybody - announcing his Kerry bitch had produced a single typical male puppy weighing 8 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new puppy can weigh in at 8 pounds, but the steward just shrugs, "That's about average for our litters, folks. Like I said, my dogs follow our families lineage".

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW".... one woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains for the bitch.

Three weeks later at a club meeting, a seasoned handler says, "Say you're the owner of that Kerry puppy that weighed 8 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in three weeks. So how much does he weigh now?"

The proud owner answers, "4 pounds."

The handler is puzzled, concerned, and a little suspicious.

"What happened? I thought you said he weighed 8 pounds the day he was born!"

The steward blows a fly off his bottle and takes a long slow draw of his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve and leans close to the doubting handler and proudly says . . . . .

"We had him neutered".

Seat Selection

Submitted by Barbara Kam

A  breeder named Patti receives a free ticket to the Westminster Dog Show from the premium dog food company.

Unfortunately, when Patti  arrives at the Garden she discovers the seat  is in the last row in the corner of the  Garden-- she is closer to the Ex-pens than  the rings.

About halfway through the first group, Patti notices an empty seat 3 rows from the ring gates, in plain view of the  examining table.

She decides to take a chance and makes  her way through the celebrities, owners and  big time breeders and around the security guards to the empty seat. As she sits down, she asks the woman sitting next to her, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The woman  says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the most important dog show in the dog world, Patti again inquires of  the woman next to her "This is incredible!  Who in their right mind would have a  seat like this at the Garden and not use it?"

The woman replies, "Well, actually, the  seat belongs to me.  I was supposed  to come with my husband, but he passed away. This is the first Westminster Show here at the Garden we haven't been  to together since we got married in  1967."

"Well, that's really sad," says Patti, "I'm sorry for your loss. But still, couldn't you  find someone to take the seat?  A relative or a  close friend?"

"No," the woman replies, "they are all at the  funeral."

Jumping to Conclusions

Submitted by Barbara Kam

What is a Cat?
Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They're totally unpredictable. They whine when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They're moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
Conclusion: Cats are tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a Kerry?
Kerries lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
Conclusion: Kerries are men in little fur coats.

British Breeder

The husband did not like the fact that his wife was breeding Kerries. A few years ago this British breeder placed a puppy with a family in Egypt and was named "Ahmal."

Another puppy went to a family in Spain; they named him "Juan."

Years later the Spanish family sends a picture of "Juan" to the breeder.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, "They're Kerries! When you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

To Install a Poor Man's Security System

Submitted by Barbara Kam

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ---a really big pair.
Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
Put a dog dish beside it......a really big dog dish.
Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in a hour.  Don't disturb the Kerries, they've just been wormed."

Remember Sheldon Cohen

Submitted by Barbara Kam

A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. during a downpour and some how manages to get a taxi immediately.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger.

"Not Sheldon. He was a terrific athlete and could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, too. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. He was as handsome and sophisticated as Cary Grant with a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something"

"Even his Kerry Blue Terrier was perfectly behaved."

"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy. He had a memory like a computer and could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!"

Well, I never actually met Sheldon."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"After he died, I married his wife."

Pompous Handler

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous handler was sitting at his desk when someone knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the handler quickly picked up the phone, told the visitor to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, Mr. Frei, I'll be happy to provide commentary on the Kerries at the Westminster show. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young visitor he asked, "What do you want?" "Nothing important, sir," the visitor replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

Joke from New Zealand

Submitted by Kaye Roberts

A dog saw somebody putting money into a parking meter and reported to
the other dogs, "They're putting in pay toilets!"

Kerry and Tree Slalom

Submitted by Barbara Kam

Paddy, the famous Irishman, is driving home after downing a few at the local pub. He turns a corner and
much to his horror he sees a Kerry in the middle of the road. He swerves and barely avoids hitting the dog.

He turns the next corner and sees a tree in the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid it and almost too late
realizes that there is yet another tree directly in his path. He swerves again and discovers that his drive home has turned into a slalom course, causing him to veer from side to side to avoid all the trees.

Moments later he hears the sound of a police siren and brings his car to a stop. The officer approaches Paddy's car and asks him what on earth he was doing. Paddy tells his story of the trees in the road when the officer stops him mid sentence and says,

"Fer crissakes, Paddy, that's yer air freshener!"