How to Read a Dog Advertisement

Submitted by Lisa Frankland
Author unknown
THE QUOTE          THE TRUTH          

Well Balanced                 Straight as a stick, front and rear
Quiet gentle natured          After 4 valiums
Excels in type and style      However, moves like a spider on speed
Personality Plus              Wakes up if you put liver up his nose
Large boned                   Looks like a Clydesdale
Good bite                     Missed the judge, got the steward
Lovely head                   2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 mouth, 1 nose
Excels in movement            If he gets loose, put on your 
                                 running shoes
Gorgeous Coat                 If the hairspray lasts until 
                                 the class finishes
Noted Judge                   He put up our dog
Respected Judge               He put up our dog twice
Esteemed Judge                He puts up anything that crawls
Shown Sparingly               Only when we had it in the bag
Show Prospect                 He has 4 legs, 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 tail
Finished in 5 shows           And 89 where he failed to win
                                 a ribbon
He has good points            His head is shaped like a carrot
Won in heavy competition      The others were revoltingly 
                                 overweight
Multiple group winner         At 2 puppy matches
Specialist Judge              Puts up anything that looks like his 
                                 own breeding
Handled brilliantly by ...    Nobody else can get near him
Won in stiff competition      Beat 4 puppies and a 9 year 
                                 old novice dog
At stud to "approved" bitches Those bitches whose owners check is
                                 "approved" by our bank
Linebred from famous champs   Ch Whoozitz appears twice 
                                 in 6th generation
Good Obedience prospect       Smart enough to come in from the 
                                 rain but he's UG-LEEEE
Terrific brood bitch          Her conformation is the pits, 
                                 but she throws big litters
Great stud dog                Mounts anything that can fog a mirror
Loves children                For breakfast, lunch and dinner
Wins another Best In Show     His second, under the same judge, 
                                 our uncle