Submitted by Maryanne Schaefer. Author Unknown
- If you have to throw up, get into a chair, QUICKLY! If you can't manage that in time, get to an Oriental rug. If no Oriental rug is available, any good rug will do.
- ALWAYS accompany guests to the bathroom. It's not necessary to do anything; just sit and stare.
- Do not allow closed doors in ANY room. To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer with your forepaws.
- When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on, picked up and consoled with food.
- Once a door is opened, it's not necessary to use it. After you've ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and halfway out and think about several things. It's particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, and mosquito season.
- Begin people training early. You'll then have a smooth-running household. Humans need to know the basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
More house rules for Kerry Blues
Submitted by Sharon Block Arkoff. Copyright 1999 by Sharon Block
- Do not drink from your water bowl, which is full of pure, filtered water, and which is changed twice a day. No. It is better to drink from the toilet, including the one in the guest bath that goes for weeks without being flushed, never mind cleaned. Drinking from the swamp in the local park is good too.
- On Monday, crawl over a 1-foot high log, requiring much encouragement and a running start to get onto the top of it, and inching down it paw by paw, with nose on paws, worriedly. Tuesday, soar over the same log in a joyous 5-foot swoop. Wednesday, inch. Thursday, swoop. Friday, inch. Saturday, attempt to shred log. Sunday, bored with log; ignore completely.
- When kayaking, greet people on shore by putting forepaws and all one's weight on side of kayak. Do this suddenly. Flip kayak. Swim to shore, and shake on people other than owner.
- When hiking, avoid the trail. It is more fun to plow through six inches of wet moldy leaves left over from last Fall. Remember to only drink from mud puddles in center of trail, preferably just below pile of moose poop. Avoid sparkling mountain stream flowing 10 feet to the left.
- Though you want your humans to think that you are too fragile to jump over a 1-foot-wide stream and must be carried, when back home it is still okay to dance on your hind legs for 10 or 15 seconds at a time in order to see what's on the kitchen counter.
- Yes, it is possible to have all parts of your body draped over a human at the same time.
- Conduct personal grooming at night, when flapping one's ears and using the bedskirt as a towel will make the most noise. Talk to yourself. Discover that wagging tail against plastic drycleaning bag makes a really neat noise. Entertain yourself with this for awhile.
- When you feel a sneeze coming on, stop in your tracks, and tuck your head down between your forepaws. Wait for the sneeze, wagging your tail. When the sneeze comes, enjoy having it blow you off your feet. Wag tail again.
- When upside-down having tummy rubbed, allow all four paws to relax fully, flopping in all four directions. This way, each paw will be rested and ready to apply a small, properly timed correction when your human needs to be reminded to keep rubbing.
- When bored with training treat, hold it in mouth until it's slimy, and then spit it out, preferably onto carpet.
Things I must remember to be a good Kerry
Submitted by Katherine Benna
- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello.'
- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
- The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.