Needing a ride
Driving down a winding country road, a man came upon a youth running hard, three Kerries snarling at his heels. The man screeched his car to a halt and threw open the door.
"Get in, get in!" he shouted.
"Thanks," gasped the youth. "You're terrific. Most people won't offer a ride when they see I have three dogs!"
A Loosing Team
A guy walks into a bar with a Kerry under his arm. The dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Bengal pom-poms.
The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The big game begins with the Bengals receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal. Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone.
The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."
Kerry Hugs & Kisses
When I come home at night my Kerry is very excited to see me.
He jumps around and dances and I talk to him and love him with kisses and hugs.
One night my husband, watching this ritual, asked why he didn't get hugs and kisses.
I asked him, "When was the last time you did a dance and twirled around when I came home."
This guy comes home from work one day to find his Kerry with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um..what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!"
Smart & Smarter
Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter...
First Woman: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me.
Second Woman: "I know..."
First Woman: "How?"
Second Woman: "My Kerry told me."
One Lost Dog
One day when I was about 8 years old, my Dad and I were sitting on the front porch having one of those rare Father-Son bonding events. We had been talking for about 10 minutes when all of a sudden, a dog I have never seen before, came up on our porch and started licking my hand. I was excited because I loved dogs but I didn't have one of my own.
"Who's the owner of that Kerry?" asked my Dad.
I looked but there was no name-tag.
"There's no name tag Dad," I replied.
"Does that hairy thing have a Rabies tag?"
I looked and answered, "No Dad, he doesn't have a rabies vaccination tag either".
My father stared at me for a moment and then asked, "Well then Greg...tell me what state was the dog born?" I was a little stunned by his question. So I said, "Dad, if he has no name tag, if he has no rabies tag and if all he does have is a small collar, then how am I supposed to tell where he was born?"
My Dad hung down his head and slowly moved it left then slowly to the right. He looks back at me and says, "You really don't know how to tell from what state a dog is born?"
"No Dad," I answered. (I started to feel like I really let my Dad down).
Then he said, "Okay, Come on, I'll teach you. Come over here and stand next to me."
He kneeled down on one knee, faced the dog away from us, and lifted the dog's tail.
"Do you see that "O" here under the dog's tail?" he asked, as he was pointing to the dog's butt.
"Yes I do," I answered.
"Well," said my Father, "That means that this dog is from Ohio!"
We Are What We Eat
Every day the man came into the grocery store at lunchtime, bought a big can of dog food, went across the street to a bench in the park, and ate the dog food with a spoon. His strange habit was noticed by a doctor who regularly walked through the park.
One day the doctor came up to the man and said, "You know, that stuff isn't good for you. It can kill you."
The man shrugged. "I've been eating it every day for twenty years."
The doctor repeated the warning, but to no avail. A month or so later, he noticed the man wasn't on the bench for a couple of days in a row. Another park regular told him the man had died.
"I told him that dog food would kill him," the doctor said."It wasn't the dog food," the man said. "He was killed in traffic while chasing a car."
While walking her pet Kerry one afternoon, little Mary bumped into little Theodore, who was out walking his Doberman.
"Hey," said Theodore as his dog stopped to scratch himself.
"Does your dog have fleas?"
"Don't be silly," she replied. "Dogs have puppies."
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son, little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"
Little Johnny replied, "A Kerry puppy!"
Beware of Dog!
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old kerry was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Animal Jungle Football
The animals were bored. Finally, the Kerry had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.
The Kerry's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the Kerry's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The Kerry's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the Kerry gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The Kerry went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The Kerry retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
The Talent Scout
A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his Kerry puppy. The puppy is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says,
"Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract.
This dog can make us both rich."
The man brings his puppy to the talent scouts office. The dog is just about to finish singing "Oh Danny Boy", when a large bitch runs into the room and grabs the puppy by the scruff of he neck and runs away with him in her mouth.
The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!"
The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."
A Chemistry Lesson
A young boy and his mother were walking down the road. She says to him, "Look Jim, that's a puddle of H2O." The boy replies, "No mummy, that's a puddle of K9P!"
An amazing talking Kerry
A guy walks into a pet store. As he walks by a pen, he sees a sign that says: "Talking Kerry
Blue Terrier, $500." So he asks the owner, "Does this dog really talk?"
Owner says, "Go ahead, ask him."
Guy says to the dog, "OK, tell me about yourself."
Dog says, "Well, I was born in Ireland and trained by the state to be a guard dog. After I got my certificate I was sent to New York to an exclusive security dealer, where Donald Trump found me. I spent two years guarding Trump Towers, then went to California and worked for Spielberg for three years. Been kicking back for the last 18 months and just enjoying being a dog."
The guy is dumbfounded. He says to the shop owner, "Oh my God, that's amazing. I'll take him. Why in the world is he only $500?"
"Because he's a liar."
Father O'Malley's Surprise
Father O'Malley, the one with the twin brother and a Kerry blue, got up
one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside and noticed there was a jackass lying
dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called
the local garda (a.k.a. "police station.")
The conversation went like this:
"Top o' the day to ye. This is Sgt. Flaherty. How might I help ye?"
"And the rest of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. "Would ye be after sending a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sgt. Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit and the rest of the conversation proceeded: "Well now father, it was always me impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father O'Malley replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!"
Another amazing talking Kerry
A man and his Kerry walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Man: "What covers a house?"
Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"
Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
A good chess player
An Irishman went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his Kerry. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly
believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Some show dogs are riding in the back of the handler's truck. One of the Kerries starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 shows, I've placed in 8 of them!"
Another Kerry breaks in, "Well in the last 27 shows, I've placed in 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 shows, I've won eleven Best In Shows!", says Mick, wagging his tail.
At this point, they notice that a Wheaten has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the Wheaten, "but in my last 90 shows, I've placed in 88 of them!"
The Kerries are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking Wheaten."
The Aristocratic Kerry
A guest at dinner noticed the Kerry looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The Kerry says, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"
The city boy goes to the countryside visiting his uncle and his Kerry Blue. The uncle is a rancher and his spread is right in the middle of nowhere, among sands and cactuses and the nearest town is hours away.
After the sun comes down, the boy hears strange, another-world howling. He gets frightened and runs to his uncle. "Uncle, uncle, there are werewolves!"
"That's rubbish, boy, ain't no such thing."
"Then, there must be man-eating wolves."
"No, we haven't got those buddies, either."
"What is this sound, then?' the boy asks.
"They are coyotes."
"Coyotes? What are those?"
"They are about the size of old Blue here. In fact, ya can consider them a kind of dogs."
The boy wants to find out more. "Why are they making this howling noise?"
"See, nephew, we ain't got many trees around here ... all we got are cactuses!"
Three Kerry Breeders
Three Kerry breeders, an American, a Frenchman and a Irishman are out walking their Kerries along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.
The Irishman says, "I am a Kerry breeder, my dad was a Kerry breeder, and my son will also breed Kerries. I want my Kerries to be the best in the land."
With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the Irishman's Kerry changed into the most gorgeous of all Kerries.
The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one, and certainly no Kerry breeders, can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.
The American asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."
The American says, "Fill it up with water."
Many years ago I was bragging about how good my bird dog was. One thing that I never do is brag about a dog, but I had to, this one was special. I told all my friends about this Kerry and his pointing abilities and his great nose for quail, pheasant or whatever. So they all decided to go hunting with me to see just how "awesome" this dog was.
We stopped at our local store to get some water and gatorade and on our way in a boy was walking out. Well wouldn't you know that my dog "Bianca" sure enough dropped one of the finest points I have ever seen on that boy. My buddies were rolling with laughter. I took all kinds off hazing from them. "I thought you had the best dog around and here he is pointing on that boy." So to save face I asked the boy if he helped his dad clean out the quail pen this morning. He said, "No sir". I said, " I know you had quail for supper last night didn't ya?" He said again, "No sir". By now I was getting more hazing from my so called buds and decided something was really wrong. So I asked the boy what his name was. And he said, "Well mister my name is Danny Quail, why do you ask"?
Man, I had the best dog around!
Photo: Natalia Samaj's Bianca in Slovakia
Duck Hunting Kerry
Old Kyle took his new Kerry duck hunting. When he shot his first duck it fell in the lake and the pup promptly walked across the top of the water and brought the duck back. Old Kyle was amazed, but the dog did it again.
The next day Kyle took his buddy hunting and told him to wait and be amazed. Sure enough when the first duck hit the water the pup walked across the water to get it. Old Kyle asked his buddy what he thought.
He said, "that's nothing, my dog can swim".
A Kerry walks into the unemployment office and asks a man behind the desk if he would help him find work. The man, astonished at the sight of a speaking dog, replies, "I think I can help you."
The guy was immediately on the phone to the circus to find out if they could use the dog in their routine. The dog overhears some of this conversation and says, "I hate to interrupt, but what would the circus want with a brick layer?"
A Simple Operation
She came flying out of the vet's office with her Kerry and I almost bumbed into her.
"What's the matter?" I asked her.
She said, "While the vet technician took my Kerry to be operated, I heard her say, "It's a very simple operation, don't worry. I'm sure it will be all right.""
"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"
"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the vet!"
A Bloody Nose
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the
roof of the
cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley
they went, across a river, through the forest and into town. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that house over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy.
"And see that Kerry in the yard?"
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in ecstasy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!"
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dressed up, Kerry put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the Kerry shoots back in. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the Kerry out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my Kerry K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
"Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked.
"It sure is," I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"
A very dirty little Kerry puppy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"
Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"
"WOW!" cried the pup. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"
Stevie Wonder's Kerry
Tiger Woods and Stevie Wonder, with his special Kerry, are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that going right now."
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Wonder says, "Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says, "But you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Wonder replies, "I get my Kerry to stand in the middle of the fairway and bark. I listen for the sound of his bark and play the ball toward him.
Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the Kerry moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball toward his bark."
"But how do you putt?" asks Woods.
"Well," says Stevie, "I get my Kerry to lean down in front of the hole and bark with his head on the ground, and I just play the ball toward his bark."
Woods asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"
Stevie says, "Pick a night."
A Practical Kerry
One fall day Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a Kerry, and then about 200 men walking in single file.
Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died."
Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. The man replied,"My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."
Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I borrow your dog?"
To which the man replied, "Get in line."
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog -- not a Kerry. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
When the clothing store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.'
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"'
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.'
"That's the one!"'
That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me. Why is your hand bandaged?"'
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."
Yes, you can fool a Kerry
Seems there were a pack of wild dogs that roamed a nice neighborhood, leaving huge piles of poo poo for all the neighbors to clean out of their yards. Everyone used shovels except this old guy at the end of the street. He just walked out with a mason jar and an eye dropper and applied a small amount of liquid to the mounds and they would always be gone by the afternoon, no matter how big.
One day one of the curious neighbors saw this wise old man coming out of the market and just had to ask, "what is that magic liquid that you use on those turds???" "Bacon grease " replied the old man, "Just Bacon grease."